(no subject)

[hebbycakes]

Trying to get myself in a working order. Was sick this morning, but only because of migraine from hell + restless night + slight fever + upset stomach = no sleep. I'll be going to my second class later.

... I'm numb again. Trying to cheer up, but it's so hard. I signed into my AIM today, after a few months or more of not doing so, and... I freaked out.

Why?

Because I received messages from Shannon's AIM. I was so confused. Then I realized they were offline messages from ages ago. Like, closer to July or so. Or maybe August.

It broke me. This is the only time I actually hate the message saver. For just a brief moment, she was back. Then for me to realize that, no. She's not.

I've received all her messages, and she's not going to get any of mine or ours. And yet, I keep sending more offline messages.

I may not app Shadow at dollsy, I don't know. I've to fix the app up but... I don't know if I've the guts or nerve right now to play in a new game. She only threaded with Shadow once, I think. But that's not the point.

I just don't get it. It will be a week tomorrow since she left this world. I'm not looking forward to this anniversary at all. If I could take back everything I did in the last two weeks, I would if it meant having her back again. I just want to pick myself back up and live, but it's so hard. I spoke with her everywhere- at work, at school, at home. Our gang was never separated for long.

I think... right now, we're not used to having to make group chat ourselves. We're so used to someone else making it. And Shannon used to do it a lot, too.

Yesterday, Katy said "Exacta", and without thinking, I responded with "*BITES*". I guess I thought that if Shan's not around to do it, I would. But... I feel awful. So many sounds I don't want to play anymore, but I'm terrified I might slip up.

In a thread with Amagai and Urahara, Amagai told Urahara to "Just sleep". And I laughed. I laughed because I remembered your "ORIGINAL LYRICS". I listen to it whenever I get the chance. I'm going through old chat logs and listening to all the songs you linked us, because i never did before and I want to now. Is that cruel of me? To only have an interest now that you're gone? I mean, there's no way I would have known you'd be gone... but.

I don't even know. I asked for prayers for you in church, and afterwards, some people approached me to talk to me about it. As soon as they found out I met you online, they seemed to... not care as much. They're mostly seniors, they don't understand how even an internet friendship is a friendship all the same.

I don't want to get sick. I'm terrified of getting sick. My immune system sucks, I'm underweight and if I get h1n1, I probably won't be able to fight it off. It's horrible of me to say, but it scares me so bad. I want to live, not just for me, but for my family and all my friends. I don't want to hurt them again with another lost life.

I can't even watch House right now. Seeing the hospital just... makes me hurt.

Now I've "It was a very good Year" stuck in my head. Hmmm.


Patch and I made up, to an extent. I know, you're probably all going to call me an idiot for it, but... it just seems so trivial to keep a grudge now. Even if he really did hurt my feelings, and had his friends gang up on me... I just. Don't want to be the person who holds grudges any longer. Not on the internet. He sent me a recording of him singing "I'll Be Seeing You". He went offtune a few times, but it was a beautiful song, though sad. It just meant a lot.

Not even really sure what I'm saying anymore.

On a plus side, I downloaded Chou Den-O and Decade's movie. I want to watch it, but... I'm.

I don't know.

I really wanted to know you for a whole year, Shannon. I miss you so much.

Comments

[lunarwhirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I love you so much, honey.

I app at Dollsy, and I know the mods. If you want, once I get back, I can help you.

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I know pretty much what I need to do, it's just... the motivation for it is really hard to get right now.

[lunarwhirl.livejournal.com]

I understand, dear one. *hugs more*

[riven-008.livejournal.com]

We all love you too, bb. I'm sorry for your loss. :<

Make sure you take care of yourself this winter. /feeds hot chocolate

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[frickninja.livejournal.com]

*snugs and loves* I love you, Ebi dear.

Dude, she would've cheered you on for *BITES* at EXACTA. :D *fails at cheeering people up*

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

*snugs* I appreciate you trying anyway.

[valentines-lost.livejournal.com]

*hugs so much*

I hate the idea of you being so miserable. I'm worried for you, bb. But at the same time, I can't blame you one bit for feeling this way.

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

We will get through this. *hugs*

[the-terrible.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

*hugback*

[fyretoppaaa.livejournal.com]

/sends hugs >:

[kaiba-katt.livejournal.com]

*kickswithlovehugsback*