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hebbycakesI was feeling really down and depressed... in summary, this is an email I wrote to myself while I was at school:
Dear Elaine,
I feel really down... it might be because of that whole thing last night where Carolyn kept telling me the bad points of my pictures or that they were bad pictures in general. It shouldn't bother me, I guess... but I like Zeus x Sanzo, and so does Carolyn... but not many others do. And if I lose encouragement from the person that urged me to draw that pairing again, what am I supposed to do? Aside from Ally,I have no encouragement. It makes me wonder why I even bothered joining 25_signs if I can't draw... or rather, can't draw Sanzo or Zeus anymore. I'll never be able to finish all the signs and I have no more ideas for pictures. I also have a detention tomorrow... and work due tomorrow... my teacher wants to interview my parents... I just feel down and out right now. How am I supposed to do my Math homework due tomorrow on the net if Carolyn is gonna be on the net the whole night. It doesn't help that her computer is constantly in the shop. Please help if you have any ideas. I still can't believe I burned a broken CD. >< I hope Carolyn can fix it... But I feel screwed up in general. I just know that tomorrow, everyone will be disappointed in me and there'll be nothing that I can do about it. I just want to break down and hug mom right now. I wonder if I can last the rest of the day...
Elaine
--
I'm home early because of a spare 6th (5th) period.
I was feeling really sick (like I'd vomit) anyway, so I walked home. I was halfway there when I realized what it was like to feel like my heart was broken.
A seagull was sitting on the side of the road, looking at me. I then realized it had no other choice but to sit there, as its right wing had been ripped up and twisted around. The bird's left wing was limp. It was bleeding, but the blood wasn't flowing freely.
I contemplated leaving it there, but just seeing it shot pangs of guilt through my heart. When I walked near it, it tried to use scare tactics to scare me away. I then took off my coat and tried to scare it onto the sidewalk. The seagull tried to fly, but it could barely walk, let alone stand... It kept falling down and rolling around. I felt like my heart was going to die. I was in pain due to seeing this creature suffer. I picked him up in my coat and he tried to bite my face and any part of me he could. He then settled on biting my coat over and over. Tears in my eyes, I began heading home. Carolyn used to do this a long time ago... she'd find injured birds, bring them home, and nurse them back to health.
But I knew this guy couldn't be nursed back to health. He was lively, but only because he was terrified. I knew he was in terrible pain... Not just because of his wound, but the look in his eyes told me. I was almost home and the Gull started to bite my arm... well, the sleeve of my shirt, anyway.
I made it home and one of my tenants was there. She was smiling and telling me about the front door being open and a bunch of our cats on the lawn-- then she saw the gull in my arms. I reassured her that I wasn't bringing home a dead animal. I showed her that he was still alive, and that gave him enough time to bite my index finger. It hurt, but only for a split second. It felt like someone holding onto my finger very tightly. It reminded me of a person grabbing someone's hand, not wanting them to let go or leave.
The tenant told me she was free for the day, so we got into her car hurriedly and went to the Lockerby Animal Hospital (AKA Best Friends). We hurried inside. The secretary noticed the injured mess in my coat in my arms and told me that they didn't deal with birds. We asked her where we could find a place that would put down the poor animal. She then went to the back and brought a man out. He thanked us for bringing the Gull there and told us to follow him into a room. I placed my coat and the seagull on a table as the man went to get gloves. I was petting the gull over and over... He was biting my coat and staring at me. I felt awful.
The man returned and gently took the gull from my coat. He looked to us both and said "Thank you so much for doing the right thing." then he left the room, saying softly to the bird "It's okay... it's all going to be over soon..."
As we made our way back to the tenant's car, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Everything that had happened in the day... all the stress had mixed into one big ball and I felt really sick, then this happened. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I felt extremely sad.
We talked about how we could never be veterinarians as we wouldn't be able to deal with all the different issues animals have and whatnot... It's too sad.
When we got home, I thanked her for helping me. I don't like to jump to conclusions of 'Fate', but I wonder if it was fate that we had a spare that day at that time... and that I found that dying seagull, and that my tenant was there to help me... If so, thank you, oh Lord. I don't know what I would've done if I couldn't have helped that seagull...
I cried in my room for a long time. My tears are dry now as I write this... But now I feel like I know what it means to cry.
Dear Elaine,
I feel really down... it might be because of that whole thing last night where Carolyn kept telling me the bad points of my pictures or that they were bad pictures in general. It shouldn't bother me, I guess... but I like Zeus x Sanzo, and so does Carolyn... but not many others do. And if I lose encouragement from the person that urged me to draw that pairing again, what am I supposed to do? Aside from Ally,I have no encouragement. It makes me wonder why I even bothered joining 25_signs if I can't draw... or rather, can't draw Sanzo or Zeus anymore. I'll never be able to finish all the signs and I have no more ideas for pictures. I also have a detention tomorrow... and work due tomorrow... my teacher wants to interview my parents... I just feel down and out right now. How am I supposed to do my Math homework due tomorrow on the net if Carolyn is gonna be on the net the whole night. It doesn't help that her computer is constantly in the shop. Please help if you have any ideas. I still can't believe I burned a broken CD. >< I hope Carolyn can fix it... But I feel screwed up in general. I just know that tomorrow, everyone will be disappointed in me and there'll be nothing that I can do about it. I just want to break down and hug mom right now. I wonder if I can last the rest of the day...
Elaine
--
I'm home early because of a spare 6th (5th) period.
I was feeling really sick (like I'd vomit) anyway, so I walked home. I was halfway there when I realized what it was like to feel like my heart was broken.
A seagull was sitting on the side of the road, looking at me. I then realized it had no other choice but to sit there, as its right wing had been ripped up and twisted around. The bird's left wing was limp. It was bleeding, but the blood wasn't flowing freely.
I contemplated leaving it there, but just seeing it shot pangs of guilt through my heart. When I walked near it, it tried to use scare tactics to scare me away. I then took off my coat and tried to scare it onto the sidewalk. The seagull tried to fly, but it could barely walk, let alone stand... It kept falling down and rolling around. I felt like my heart was going to die. I was in pain due to seeing this creature suffer. I picked him up in my coat and he tried to bite my face and any part of me he could. He then settled on biting my coat over and over. Tears in my eyes, I began heading home. Carolyn used to do this a long time ago... she'd find injured birds, bring them home, and nurse them back to health.
But I knew this guy couldn't be nursed back to health. He was lively, but only because he was terrified. I knew he was in terrible pain... Not just because of his wound, but the look in his eyes told me. I was almost home and the Gull started to bite my arm... well, the sleeve of my shirt, anyway.
I made it home and one of my tenants was there. She was smiling and telling me about the front door being open and a bunch of our cats on the lawn-- then she saw the gull in my arms. I reassured her that I wasn't bringing home a dead animal. I showed her that he was still alive, and that gave him enough time to bite my index finger. It hurt, but only for a split second. It felt like someone holding onto my finger very tightly. It reminded me of a person grabbing someone's hand, not wanting them to let go or leave.
The tenant told me she was free for the day, so we got into her car hurriedly and went to the Lockerby Animal Hospital (AKA Best Friends). We hurried inside. The secretary noticed the injured mess in my coat in my arms and told me that they didn't deal with birds. We asked her where we could find a place that would put down the poor animal. She then went to the back and brought a man out. He thanked us for bringing the Gull there and told us to follow him into a room. I placed my coat and the seagull on a table as the man went to get gloves. I was petting the gull over and over... He was biting my coat and staring at me. I felt awful.
The man returned and gently took the gull from my coat. He looked to us both and said "Thank you so much for doing the right thing." then he left the room, saying softly to the bird "It's okay... it's all going to be over soon..."
As we made our way back to the tenant's car, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Everything that had happened in the day... all the stress had mixed into one big ball and I felt really sick, then this happened. I didn't feel sick anymore, but I felt extremely sad.
We talked about how we could never be veterinarians as we wouldn't be able to deal with all the different issues animals have and whatnot... It's too sad.
When we got home, I thanked her for helping me. I don't like to jump to conclusions of 'Fate', but I wonder if it was fate that we had a spare that day at that time... and that I found that dying seagull, and that my tenant was there to help me... If so, thank you, oh Lord. I don't know what I would've done if I couldn't have helped that seagull...
I cried in my room for a long time. My tears are dry now as I write this... But now I feel like I know what it means to cry.
