TURTLE LOVER

don't you just hate it when you finally get to talk to your sister about all the shit she put you through, and you're able to finally address it and talk it out, no matter how old it was, and finally sort it out so that you can MOVE ON? And then you find yourself talking about happier stuff amidst the bad, and we didn't FIGHT during it? and you just feel so good that you're getting along with your sister?

then god says "oh by the way, here's reality"


and your dad starts to swear at you for waking him up, and makes you feel like shit and tells you "you know better you should be ashamed, you know you get sick all the time, go to bed right fucking now, this happens NEVER again"


i love my dad. but i hate him when he does that. i had no idea it was 1:26am at the time. the last i'd checked, it was almost 11pm. i had no idea we'd been talking that long.

so apparently, my dad thinks my illness is my fault. that me "staying up late" is what makes me sick and why i miss school. i guess he doesn't fucking know that i have insomnia and i can't help it if i stay up if i CAN'T SLEEP. and so, later when i wake up, he's going to wake up when i put the dogs out and he's going to verbally harass me. i'm going to try to get out and go to school asap because i dont' want to be attacked. i know mom is going to be ashamed of me for staying up late and i won't have the chance to tell her why.

i can't stop crying. i'm sobbing like when shannon died. i know it's not the same, but it feels like huge weights are on me again, that i can't get rid of. i finally got some off my shoulders and now new ones have been added.

i don't usually say this, i don't want to sound ungrateful, but i just have to.


i fucking hate my dad right now, even if i love him to death. i wish he wouldn't swear at me, even if he's tired. i may swear on here, but i NEVER ever swear at him. him being my dad gives him no right to swear at me. i almost felt like going to sleep outside in the cold because i felt a sudden millennium of misery fill me up. even though my sis and i got over a huge barrier, we were abused for it.


goodnight

Christmas was wonderful, it's back to regular life soon. And I'm ill again, as per usual. Bad fever, feel weak. I'm really trying my best to not look up my symptoms. If I do, I just know it won't make me feel better and I know I might end up having hysteria or something.

I'll go to bed now and hope that I feel fine in the morning. I want to live as long as possible. Mom says we're going back to my regular diet soon. I want to start it asap. The way I feel right now scares me. So much.

I just watched the movie UP, and I adored it. It was very well done. Night.

I've got an appointment for getting my wisdom teeth out either wednesday or friday, so we shall see. In the meantime, I'm not feeling well again. Headaches aren't as frequent now, but I suddenly just got a really bad fever, so I'mma go to sleep. Took an extra strength tylenol and an ibuprofin.

I hate fevers. >_<

I love you all. ♥