hebbycakes: (Default)
It's been a year since Shannon passed away, and I can't say we've talked about her as much as I would have liked, but then again, I didn't make much effort to get our group together and chat about her either.

Right now I'm sitting in bed with mint chocolate ice cream and remembering Shannon for the goofy friend I met in Summer 2009 and spent many a long day talking to, as well as with the other goofy and dear friends I made around that time, too.

We all had similar interests: Bleach, Black Butler, Final Fantasy 6 & 7, a few shows I don't remember, and Shannon's adorable laugh.

I still have multitudes of sound bytes left on MSN Plus of all of us being goofballs one sunny afternoon and recording ourselves all saying really stupid things or talking about Ashido's Penis. It was so much fun, from Shannon can has-ing porn to me talking about random PLAAAAAAAAANES and Aizen spanking Kadaj.


I can safely say that whenever I see Joker in Black Butler, I'm going to think of you, Shannon. You played him, had him down pat. I remember you being vaguely interested in a potential gurodressing a little before you passed away, and every time I see it brought up, I still think of you.


I still feel a pang of sadness whenever I look at Bleed Kaga, remembering all the videos I uploaded for you to watch and your promise that you'd watch them when your bandwidth was increased... I remember making you fall in love with him and it pleased me to no end. You (as well as Misu and Jen) got me into liking Kira a bit more, and I have to say, that Gibi banging Nnoitra was one of the hottest things alive.


Somewhere, Niki is snorting her cheese toastie and keysmashing.


You were very comforting to all of us, and even if we all got mad at one another, it wouldn't take long before we'd all get together for a group hug. It kind of feels like those days are far gone, but as of late, I've noticed our little rag tag group coming together again SHHH THAT WASN'T DIRTY.


I love you still, Shannon. And I am eating ice cream in -5C weather and freezing rain to show just that; but you already knew I cared for you anyway. Here's to

eating ice cream and remembering the good times.

life

Jan. 20th, 2010 01:45 am
hebbycakes: (everyone dies)
don't you just hate it when you finally get to talk to your sister about all the shit she put you through, and you're able to finally address it and talk it out, no matter how old it was, and finally sort it out so that you can MOVE ON? And then you find yourself talking about happier stuff amidst the bad, and we didn't FIGHT during it? and you just feel so good that you're getting along with your sister?

then god says "oh by the way, here's reality"


and your dad starts to swear at you for waking him up, and makes you feel like shit and tells you "you know better you should be ashamed, you know you get sick all the time, go to bed right fucking now, this happens NEVER again"


i love my dad. but i hate him when he does that. i had no idea it was 1:26am at the time. the last i'd checked, it was almost 11pm. i had no idea we'd been talking that long.

so apparently, my dad thinks my illness is my fault. that me "staying up late" is what makes me sick and why i miss school. i guess he doesn't fucking know that i have insomnia and i can't help it if i stay up if i CAN'T SLEEP. and so, later when i wake up, he's going to wake up when i put the dogs out and he's going to verbally harass me. i'm going to try to get out and go to school asap because i dont' want to be attacked. i know mom is going to be ashamed of me for staying up late and i won't have the chance to tell her why.

i can't stop crying. i'm sobbing like when shannon died. i know it's not the same, but it feels like huge weights are on me again, that i can't get rid of. i finally got some off my shoulders and now new ones have been added.

i don't usually say this, i don't want to sound ungrateful, but i just have to.


i fucking hate my dad right now, even if i love him to death. i wish he wouldn't swear at me, even if he's tired. i may swear on here, but i NEVER ever swear at him. him being my dad gives him no right to swear at me. i almost felt like going to sleep outside in the cold because i felt a sudden millennium of misery fill me up. even though my sis and i got over a huge barrier, we were abused for it.


goodnight
hebbycakes: (good turtle)
http://community.livejournal.com/dear_sweetpea/

I had to make it. For me, writing letters is the strongest way I have to communicate to people, even if they're never sent anywhere. I keep my sanity with writing letters when I'm sad, angry, happy, etc. I've made this community so we can give daily (or hourly) letters to Shannon about what we're up to, what we want her to know, how we feel, etc. I strongly believe that she is reading these in spirit.

I'm not trying to offend anybody, and I'm sorry if I do. I will make anyone a maintainer so long as they ask me. I've already started a letter, and but I won't send it until my day at work is over. Or maybe I will and just write another.

But that's what the community is for. I hope Callie sees it to show to Shan's family.


Also, if I missed your name/nickname in the interests, PLEASE PLEASE let me know. I've a poor memory at times.
hebbycakes: (good turtle)
I play Shadow the Hedgehog at dear mun a lot, and my fave Sonic and Rouge muns both came to talk to me. Because of the recent events... Sonic-mun gave me this.



I'm still broken up, who wouldn't be. My sister accidentally rolled her eyes when I brought up Shannon again yesterday, and that really hurt me. This isn't just some fad-- our friend died. I guess that's why she apologized after doing it. I told her I need to talk to someone about it or I will lose it. I've never had this happen before.

When my grandfather died, I was too young and ignorant to really get it. I'm not like that anymore. I agree with what Lynny said, I keep expecting to see a post from Shannon. I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because I might have dreams of her, and they'll confuse me into thinking she's still alive.

I pray every night now, to try and send messages to her via God. It may sound weird, but it is one of the things keeping me strong, along with the strength from all of you. It still feels like Shannon's just moved somewhere without internet. I don't want to live in denial, but it hurts way too much to just accept it and move on. That sounds too insensitive.

I'm sorry for anyone on my f-list unrelated to all of this, but this may be my subject for the next few months or more. I can't just let it go. Everything else in life seems so trivial now. I don't even know if I can focus on schoolwork. And I have to, but... Mmmf.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT...


I love all of you. I had an ice cream bar yesterday. it has never hurt to eat ice cream like that before. For the first time it didn't hurt my teeth, but... yeah.

I love you guys.
hebbycakes: (good turtle)
This was a song written and sung by my late cousin, Dan Steven. I'm thinking of it right now with Shannon's passing.

I'm sure she'd want us to eat ice cream and remember the good times.

November 2012

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